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We apologize for the lack of updates. Things here at the store have been very hectic lately, and we are abruptly undergoing a management change. So basically, we are reorganizing and re-pricing everything in the store. With any luck, things will get straightened out soon and we'll be back to talking about the insane books people bring us.
October 31st, 2007
September 25th, 2007
As Jenna and I are working together for the first time in quite a long time, we have decided to compile a humble list of some of the more outlandish titles in our fine store.
Without further ado:
Fifty-Two Meat Loaves - "From classic interstate meat loaf to pretty-much pate, a comforting collection of meat loaves, plain and fancy, each with its own perfect side dish." Seriously. Gross. The word "loaves" should never be applied to any food aside from bread, though the home-maker from the 50's on the cover may disagree. I am a serious carnivore and even I do not like meat loaf. Jenna, a vegan, is just grossed on out the door. And really, who need fifty-two recipes for freaking meat loaf.
Final Exit - This book is about how to kill yourself. I found it in the health section. Let's take a moment of silence to respect the fucked up irony of this situation.
Much of it is about how to kill yourself using prescription medication. It contains a chart listing how many of which pill (and in conjunction with what else) one would need to ingest for given body weights.
I did not relocate the book.
The History of Torture - Yes, you read that right. It is a small paperback that chronicles torture methods employed throughout recorded history and it contains some very detailed descriptions both of the reactions certain techniques got and of exactly what devices were used to get them. Such as: "An early medieval torture was to place the victim in a basket filled with wasps, where he was often stung to death."
For My Legionaries - Written to inspire Romanians in the early 1900s, ca. WWI-II. Rails against the Bolsheviks, and in general against everyone. Chapter titles include "The Jewish Problem" and "The Plans of Judaism Against the Romanian Nation." Mostly the author seems to hate Jews, but he pretty much to has a bad word for just about everyone who isn't Romanian and urges his "legionaries" to fight tooth and nail against them.
Ninja - I doubt this is the actual title of the book, but , like its subject matter, it seems to have disappeared without a trace sometime in the last few hours. Contained within its pages were the secrets of the ninja, including the all-important art of becoming invisible (no joke). We also have a book about a moder-day, real-life ninja that is equally bizarre.
Where people find these books none of us know. Why they are printed we also do not know. All we do know is that we have to somehow figure out what category they fall under to shelve them.
Without further ado:
Fifty-Two Meat Loaves - "From classic interstate meat loaf to pretty-much pate, a comforting collection of meat loaves, plain and fancy, each with its own perfect side dish." Seriously. Gross. The word "loaves" should never be applied to any food aside from bread, though the home-maker from the 50's on the cover may disagree. I am a serious carnivore and even I do not like meat loaf. Jenna, a vegan, is just grossed on out the door. And really, who need fifty-two recipes for freaking meat loaf.
Final Exit - This book is about how to kill yourself. I found it in the health section. Let's take a moment of silence to respect the fucked up irony of this situation.
Much of it is about how to kill yourself using prescription medication. It contains a chart listing how many of which pill (and in conjunction with what else) one would need to ingest for given body weights.
I did not relocate the book.
The History of Torture - Yes, you read that right. It is a small paperback that chronicles torture methods employed throughout recorded history and it contains some very detailed descriptions both of the reactions certain techniques got and of exactly what devices were used to get them. Such as: "An early medieval torture was to place the victim in a basket filled with wasps, where he was often stung to death."
For My Legionaries - Written to inspire Romanians in the early 1900s, ca. WWI-II. Rails against the Bolsheviks, and in general against everyone. Chapter titles include "The Jewish Problem" and "The Plans of Judaism Against the Romanian Nation." Mostly the author seems to hate Jews, but he pretty much to has a bad word for just about everyone who isn't Romanian and urges his "legionaries" to fight tooth and nail against them.
Ninja - I doubt this is the actual title of the book, but , like its subject matter, it seems to have disappeared without a trace sometime in the last few hours. Contained within its pages were the secrets of the ninja, including the all-important art of becoming invisible (no joke). We also have a book about a moder-day, real-life ninja that is equally bizarre.
Where people find these books none of us know. Why they are printed we also do not know. All we do know is that we have to somehow figure out what category they fall under to shelve them.
amusedSeptember 19th, 2007
Life after fabio is really nice.
Love the book pusher who left weeks ago.
Love the book pusher who left weeks ago.
impressedSeptember 5th, 2007
For discretion, we keep the romance novels in the back of the store, in a section called "fiction." Between dusting shelves, reorganizing Clive Cussler paperbacks and pretending to snort candle wax, we spent a nice chunk of today culling the ripest, pulpiest, nastiest tidbits from the "fiction" and other sections. If your mother read this stuff at your soccer games, be warned: you might need to up your dosage of Prozac this month when you find out what she really had cracked open in her lap on the bleachers.
Ha ha yeah I did got there. Your mom.
I jumped with fright, dropping the blue penis and my crotchless underwear to the floor. It grew hard enough to cut diamonds. Bright tinkling objects turn on magpies as well as people. And there was another truth to tell: Magnus was randier than a bull, with all the time to sit around and ponder his favorite subject.
"Yea, milady, I have journeyed here to defeat your enemies and become your husband."
"Your barb is sweet, milord. And wondrous large."
He held her hard against him and let his man-part jerk against her woman-place. Vibrating hotel beds, operated by a coin-in-slot timer, are also well spoken of, but are apt to run out at the critical moment.
"You're the least seductive woman I've ever met. So why is it I want to jump your skinny bones?"
The sight of his wide shoulders, narrow waist and hips and long legs enticed her to wickedness. Now that you know my weakness for cum, let me tell you about my "cum daddies," as I affectionately call them. We often don't allow our partners access to our thoughts and genitals at the same time.
When he finally sank through her flesh with his fangs, he rolled his glamour over her hard, forming them both into climax right away. The double pleasure only ends when the cannibal reaches the belly: the male then falls in shreds and the female finishes him on the ground. The shapely beauty of his body beneath his billowing long shirt taunted her
"Your hair here, your love-hair, is like a little brush of bright red-gold mistletoe. It's the loveliest of all!"
Ha ha yeah I did got there. Your mom.
I jumped with fright, dropping the blue penis and my crotchless underwear to the floor. It grew hard enough to cut diamonds. Bright tinkling objects turn on magpies as well as people. And there was another truth to tell: Magnus was randier than a bull, with all the time to sit around and ponder his favorite subject.
"Yea, milady, I have journeyed here to defeat your enemies and become your husband."
"Your barb is sweet, milord. And wondrous large."
He held her hard against him and let his man-part jerk against her woman-place. Vibrating hotel beds, operated by a coin-in-slot timer, are also well spoken of, but are apt to run out at the critical moment.
"You're the least seductive woman I've ever met. So why is it I want to jump your skinny bones?"
The sight of his wide shoulders, narrow waist and hips and long legs enticed her to wickedness. Now that you know my weakness for cum, let me tell you about my "cum daddies," as I affectionately call them. We often don't allow our partners access to our thoughts and genitals at the same time.
When he finally sank through her flesh with his fangs, he rolled his glamour over her hard, forming them both into climax right away. The double pleasure only ends when the cannibal reaches the belly: the male then falls in shreds and the female finishes him on the ground. The shapely beauty of his body beneath his billowing long shirt taunted her
"Your hair here, your love-hair, is like a little brush of bright red-gold mistletoe. It's the loveliest of all!"
September 4th, 2007
It's true. There is. And I'm not referring to the romance novels, either. Underneath the cushions on the couch in the middle of the store is a charming tome titled Create Your Own Erotic Fantasy: Kathryn in the City. If this sounds reminiscient of the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books we all used to read as children, that's because it is exactly the same - except you can shag your bisexual (female) roommate, your gay (male) roommate, become a stripper, engage in an orgy, or all of the above. Turn to page 42 if you decide to explore lesbianism; page 23 contains a sexy piece of man-meat for your pleasure. What's that? S&M? Page 105, dear.
I know what I'm doing when things get slow.
I know what I'm doing when things get slow.
The other day my bubbly ADD-impaired shelving colleague pranced over with a book in his hand.
"Do you think this deserves to go on our hot covers wall?"
The guy was nearly naked. His muscular chest was throbbing and glistened.
"Oh, I know I want that hot man-flesh," I said.
He laughed and then repeated it loudly to the store.
Awesome!
-Jenna aka "Virgin Fire"
"Do you think this deserves to go on our hot covers wall?"
The guy was nearly naked. His muscular chest was throbbing and glistened.
"Oh, I know I want that hot man-flesh," I said.
He laughed and then repeated it loudly to the store.
Awesome!
-Jenna aka "Virgin Fire"
August 31st, 2007
A note about the journal's title:
Fabio, as amazing as this may sound, has a series of romance novels that he has at the least co-authored. They feature him on the cover, and the summaries on the back sound like incredibly cheesy love notes to the reader. Included inside the front cover is a glossy fold out picture of the man himself; one features him in a loincloth, another him frolicking in the surf.. you get the idea. Much more to come on romance novels later, I'm sure.
Fabio, as amazing as this may sound, has a series of romance novels that he has at the least co-authored. They feature him on the cover, and the summaries on the back sound like incredibly cheesy love notes to the reader. Included inside the front cover is a glossy fold out picture of the man himself; one features him in a loincloth, another him frolicking in the surf.. you get the idea. Much more to come on romance novels later, I'm sure.
Dear God,
Today is my last day at the bookstore. You have a great business; I have learned a lot about love. And I believe Jenna is overcoming her fear of death. We played Russian Roulette today. Of course, it was before we came to work. We wouldn't want to jeopardize the safety of the customers, or damage those expensive books. Rainbows and unicorn poop! Eternal smiley sunshine for all. Those former two fragments are proof of Jenna's new found optimism. Woot Woot. We are listening to Lilly Allen right now; she cusses a lot, but our customers are down with the lingo, so no worries, man. She talks about universal themes like "Give me my Fucking Money." It's great for morale here at the store. Hot sauce and Fabio deliciousness for all those middle-agers. Do you love Fabio? He is waiting for You, God. (How is my ability to communicate my love?) (I would appreciate administrative feedback.) (Jenna is also learning to embrace the parenthetical statement.)(Not to mention fantasize about Fabio.) Lose belly fat! Lose belly fat! There is a great Bakery down the way. I am eating Humming Bird Cake. I regret the death of such petite feathered friends, but since they removed the beak and feet, it is quite tasty. We also have a Wendy's and a Dollar General, perfect for hangovers after our office parties. The couch is nice when we need naps. Fortunately, it is right next to the door so we can wake up and greet the customers. I love you God but Why Did You Kill My Baby??? Sometimes I Feel Like Your Bastard Child? Do you know a woman named Dorothy Elizabeth, whom you would have met in 1982? At a bake sale, perhaps? Or, as I like to call her, Mom. This is making me sad. Our distance, that is, makes me sad. Come sit on my lap. And give me some of that good God Juice. That is rain. Once you mussel your way past the gag reflexes a whole new world of possibilities opens up. Rain Rain Go Away.............................Come back!! Come back!! Emily thinks you're weird. In fact, you are quite strange. Irregular. In all shapes and forms. Tim has this fantastic Purse. Emily is so jaded. In fact she almost looks turquoise.
Love,
Catherine
This is the letter that Catherine and Jenna lovingly co-authored to the owner of our store, who is located some two hundred miles from his business. The letter was not actually sent to him, as it mushroomed out of control thanks to a combination of cake and energy drinks, but it aptly sums up how incredibly scrambled we become after only a few months of working in this store.
Why do we call the owner God? I'm sure you'll find out. Further entries will take you deeper into the little rabbit hole that is our everyday life here at the bookstore, and if you're lucky (or perhaps cursed is a better term), you will soon understand most of the above letter - even I don't understand all of it.
contemplative